Dear potential friend I am sending you this email because I have a message to spread. I am not trying to sell you something. I am a clinical psychologist, and for many years I have seen that a few simple things help my patients a lot. I like to do good, so I would like to share this with you. HOW TO HAVE A HAPPY MARRIAGE. When couples come to me for therapy, they are often quite close to divorce. They quarrel in front of me, and I can almost see the hatred and hurt feelings between them. I give them 3 simple commandments to follow: 1. DON’T CRITICIZE Almost everybody think that they can change their partner by pointing out his or her faults. But when I ask them to think back and see how many times they have really had a change for the positive from criticising, most of them cannot find anything. The only thing they find as results of critical remarks are bad feelings and quarrels. So stop criticising. It is a waste of breath. And it is worse, it breaks down your relationship. Many patients are a bit frustrated when I tell them this. They say: “but he/she does so many stupid things, I have to try to make him change!” I say: Yes, you can change him, and I am going to tell you how: 2. LOOK FOR WHATEVER POSITIVE YOU CAN FIND IN YOUR PARTNER AND TELL HIM/HER. Your partner has something that you still like. You just have to look for it. If you praise for small positive acts, they will grow in number and finally outgrow the bad acts. And your partner will feel good. When you see that your partner feels good, that makes you feel good etc. You have created a positive spiral instead of a negative spiral that you would have created with criticising. One woman had tried to make her husband clean up in the kitchen after dinner for 10 years, with criticism. Often this had started small quarrels with the husband blaming her for not being too orderly herself. One day she told him: “You clean up in the kitchen so much better and faster than me, can’t you do it today?” He felt so flattered that he cleaned up, and continued to do so almost every day. One positive sentence had done what she couldn’t do with 1000 negative ones. You just have to use your imagination to find out how you can turn your criticisms into something genuinely positive. You shouldn’t say things you don’t mean! A woman who was frustrated because her husband worked too much used to blame her husband for not spending time with the children. This made him feel bad and he hit back. She used her imagination and just changed the way she said it, focusing on the positive. She said: “You are such a good father, and I can see how the children love it when you are with them, can you play a bit with them today?”. He felt so good that he played with them, and felt very happy. 3 IF YOUR PARTNER CRITICIZES YOU, DON’T HIT BACK. Quarrels start like this. One criticises, and the other hits back. If you don’t hit back, the criticising words will echo in the mind of the criticiser, and he/she may feel that it maybe is not true. At least there will be no fight. You need two to fight. The last commandment should be used with care. Some people get even more upset if the other just shuts up. If this is your case, don’t do it. But for most couples, following this rule (it is not easy) can avoid 90% of all small quarrels and greatly improve your life quality. HOW TO AVOID DEPRESSION I work in a research project in addition to giving therapy, and we do research on depression. Depression is the most common psychological problem people can get, and it carries with it a lot of suffering, not only for the person, but also for people around. So if you learn how to keep away from depression and to help others who are depressed, your life quality will increase greatly. It may even save lives. The solution is very simple: Negative leads to negative, positive leads to positive. That means: your negative thoughts lead to negative feelings that again lead to negative thoughts. On the contrary positive thoughts lead to positive feelings. Extremely simple, you might say. Yes, it is. But you need a technique to really put it into practice: When you start feeling sad, it is because you have thought something negative. This negative thought can have gone so fast through your head that you haven’t noticed it. It may be a so-called automatic thought, one that you make often. For instance it could be “ Nobody likes me”, “There is no hope for me”, “ I will never be happy”, etc. Try to look back to find the negative thought, and write it down on a piece of paper. Next to it write down anything that can be used against this thought. As if it was a statement in court that you had to prove was false. This could be: ”My mother likes me”, “John seems to like being around me quite often”, “nobody can be liked by everybody”. Try to get at least 5 positives against each negative. Don’t start on the second negative before you have “killed” the first one. It is important to write it down in the beginning, the first 3 weeks. When you are really sad, it is difficult to think clearly. Using a pen and paper will help you just like it is easier to do calculations on paper than in your head. Use this negative-positive technique every time you feel sad, and you will be able to avoid depressions all your life, even in very tough situations. Many psychologists see more and more clearly that negative attracts negative and positive really attracts positive. Fill your mind with positive things, and you will be happy. You subconscious will amplify whatever you keep in your conscious mind! BEREAVEMENT AND FEAR OF DEATH Most people are afraid of dying, and most people will loose people close to them. BUT THERE IS NO REASON TO BE AFRAID OF DEATH ANY MORE! In 1975 Raymond Moody started studying Near Death Experiences. He studied the experiences of people who had been dead for some minutes, e.g. though drowning, but that had been revived again by people who knew how to give first aid or by doctors in emergency rooms. They all saw the same thing. Now with further research, we know that one person in 20 has had an experience like this because he or she has been close to death. When you die, you will first slip out of your body. You can see down on people trying to save your life. Many people can report in perfect medical detail what the doctors did to them, and what the could see from a perspective close to the ceiling. At the time they were seeing this, many of them were totally brain dead, no electrical activity in their brain was registered on the EEG machine. After having looked at this for a while, you will go through a tunnel towards a bright fantastic light. You will be able to feel how good the light is even before you enter it. The moment you enter it, you feel that it is so good that you never want to return to earth. It is light and pure love at the same time. You will meet relatives and friends that have died before you. They will be well, and free from sickness and problems they may have had on earth. Women often meet their stillborn babies or babies that they lost in miscarriages. Now these babies have grown into young adults. And they will welcome you with warm loving feelings. The surroundings are incredibly beautiful and pleasing, often beautiful meadows with trees and magnificent flowers. Finally you will meet somebody you know is God. And you can feel how he loves you, completely unconditionally. He will embrace you and make you feel loved like you have never been loved before. You will get a review of your life where you will see every small action that you have ever done, good or bad, and you will FEEL the feelings of the others you did it to. If you have hurt your mother, you will feel her pain. If you hugged your son, you will feel how happy he became. So you will reap what you have sown. You will get back what you gave. No more, no less. And this makes sense. If God loves us like we love our children, he will not have a cut off point and send some of us to hell and keep some in his arms. Where should the cut-off point be anyway? 50% good, 75% good. No, it doesn’t make sense. But is would be perfect justice to get back exactly whet you gave. Bad criminals come to God and feel his warm embrace just as well as “good” people. But the life review often makes the criminals realise how much damage they have done, and they come back to life changed. God only asks us one question: “HAVE YOU LOVED” So many people have witnessed heaven now, that there is really no doubt any more. Being a researcher, I know that we take things that are much less documented for scientific truth. Specially impressive from a scientific point of view is the detailed descriptions of what happens in the emergency room and even waiting room, if the person has drifted through the walls and heard relatives talk about them. Another line of research confirms these reports from heaven. When someone has died, the person is often able to contact someone close. A grandfather appeared in a vision and told his granddaughter where he had hidden all his money. Most just come back briefly to reassure the mourning ones that they are OK. This experience of seeing, hearing or feeling the presence of a dead relative is even more common than Near Death Experience. Often the ones who appear bring the message of a heaven full of love, a heaven for everybody, with no pain and sorrow. Even people who commit suicide come there, but often they have to wait until it is their time in a kind of school. One very long and deep NDE was experienced by Betty Eadie. And she gave me the answer to a problem that has bothered me all my life: Why do good people suffer so much and the bad ones often go free? She asked God about this, and he showed her that we choose our problems our selves, to grow. Just like our muscles grow with hard exercise, so will our souls grow with challenges on earth. So very mature and advanced souls choose hard lives, often as handicapped or retarded children. That changed everything. Now I understand why God doesn’t take away some of my problems when I pray. He loves me more than a father who knows that his son has to fall a few times in order to learn how to walk. I have chosen myself to got through these problems, and like my son sometimes says to me, I have said to God: “No, don’t help me, I want to do it myself” I hope this has been of help. Please copy this and send it to as many as you can. If everyone copies it to 10 friends, the same day they receive it, we will cover the Internet entirely in 8 days. So please copy it to at least 10 friends. You will change their life for the better: better relationships, better mood and no more fear of death. If you feel that this has helped you, please feel free to send me something to let me know, an email telling me how it helped or something like that. I have a dream that one day if I become rich, I will build homes for abandoned Children built on the pattern of SOS Children Villages. I worked as a psychologist in the SOS village in Mauritius for 3 years, and I believe that SOS is a very good model . But I think it can be made even better by having houses for the abandoned children integrated in the community with one woman working as mother of only 3-4 children, living a normal family life. This is one of my dreams. If you would like to thank me for this message , you can send me a donation that I can use for these abandoned children. If everyone who feels that this message has given some hope send $5, The project will be a reality in no time. If you have a good project yourself, put your name on the email next to mine and make them send money to you instead. Of course you can print this and send it in a letter to anyone you want, then maybe we can cover the world in a few moths! I hope I have given you something, and I hope you will put it in practice. Please send a copy of this to at least 10 others now, today, so you don’t forget. I am counting on you to spread the message. If everyone sends to 10 the same day, we will cover 10 000 000 in a week, and 100 000 000 on the eight day. Fantastic, isn’t it Good luck! Kjetil Mellingen 75 C. Antelme St. Quatre Bornes Mauritius email: [log in to unmask] PS: in case you want to read more about these things: Depression treatment: FEELING GOOD by David Burns On NDE THE LIGHT BEYOND by Raymond Moody EMBRACED BY THE LIGHT by Betty J. Eadie On After Death Communication HELLO FROM HEAVEN by Guggenheim and Guggenheim Best regards, Kjetil